She’s the baby obsessed, tell it like it is midwife that everyone needs holding their hand in the birth suit. Amelia, or as she’s known to many in the Insta world as ‘The Midwife Mumma’ is a mother of two and season midwife, with a strong passion for supporting women through their pregnancy and birth journey. So as a woman clearly in the know on all things birth, baby and vaginas, I got Amelia to share her top truths and tips when it comes to birth from a Midwifes perspective – no holds barred!! Amelia says “I hope to those of you whom are expecting your baby or have recently given birth that the below gives you a good laugh and possible reality check of what lies ahead”.
So here we go…
Birth Hurts – It bloody does! But that’s okay, we are human remember! Whether you are as calm as a chameleon, as fragile as a flower (totally me) or as strong as an ox, it hurts! It is just that some women have different coping mechanisms to others and display their discomfort in a different manner. You are either a little bee humming your way through contractions or a raging bull trying to head butt the bed. Same same but different, you get me? No second guesses as to who I was during my labour!? Either way, you MUST remember it is only temporary, millions of women are going through this at the same time as you and your little babe is worth every bit of discomfort 3 billion times over – I promise!
- You will Poo – You will. Even if your partner or Midwife says you didn’t – I bet you did! But whatever, Poo Schmoo! We expect it, we clean it, we bin it and move on!
- The Happy Gas – Does not make you sick – labour makes you sick! Women always say ‘ahhh the gas makes me feel sick’. No hun, your labour is making you feel sick and that’s the truth. Keep on sucking that magical gas girlfriend. The happy gas as I call it, makes you happy! Well for that contraction anyway – I swear the gas is good!! I am turning you all off babies aren’t I? I LOVE THE GAS!!
- Hairy Mcleary – No worries!! Us Midwives NEVER think to ourselves “god damn that is one hairy beast”, we just don’t! The same goes to those as polished and pristine as can be! Do you realize how many VJJ’s we have seen throughout our career? THAT many that we don’t even think of it as a VJJ, We think of it as ‘Hopefully that head will be born out of there soon for the mumma’s sake’.
- Your dignity stays at the door – This is SO true! We are all women remember, but I promise we respect you at all times and will do our best to cover you up when you are feeling super vulnerable!! Those mumma’s that swear they were never going to get nudie rudie are the first to strip off! And so be it Mumma – you do whatever you need to do to get through that labour and birth. I was SO hot I stripped without even knowing, crumpet butt and all! There was no way that hospital gown was staying on despite MY midwife chasing me around with a blanket!
- Caesarian Birth – You are just as special babe! Whether you have an elective or emergency caesarian, us midwives will still spoil you with love, pain killers and TLC! One big negative is living on ice chips (if that) for the many hours post op, I would have been a terrible c/s patient considering my appetite is a big as a horse! However – STILL pack your granny undies – they will be your wounds best friend in the first few weeks post-partum!
- Epidural – The bee’s knee’s or the devil Satan.. EVERY TOM, DICK AND HARRY has their opinion about this but let’s be honest – are they enduring your contractions for you and birthing your baby? I don’t think so. YOU do what is right for YOU. Us Midwives will support you with whatever pain relief you decide (if any) to have. It is no one’s business but yours. I am a Midwife and I have so far birthed 2 babies BOTH with beautiful epidurals. Why? Because I wasn’t coping during my labour’s and needed them. My Midwife (Bless her) gladly got me one. SEE?? We don’t judge. The same goes for calm birthers (Read below)!
- Calm Birther – Hypnobirthing guru? We love you too!! Of course we do. In fact YOU ladies manage to give us Midwives zen during your labour believe it or not. You labour however best suits you. Just make sure you are upfront with your birth plan and we will do our best to adhere to it!
- You ate your placenta? – Say Whattttttttttttt?! Yes ladies, you heard it first. I didn’t, but many now do! It’s all the rage at the moment and for good reason too. This is the new best thing since sliced bread.. At birth it looks like a purple, red, bloody spongy cake looking thing (you know your babies life line for its whole time in utero) but in 24 hours it is turned into a whizz bang tiny pill for you to swallow. Gross I hear you say!!! Yessss it is definitely something that I have come to like over the years.. Initially, beinf a Midwife, it reminded me of a tuna milkshake but now woweeeeee the benefits are said to be huge. Why? How? It is said to increase your Oxytocin levels which in turn help your uterus return to normal (hello minimal blood loss) and at the same time boosting your CRH (corticotropin Releasing Hormone) EG Stress reducing hormone along with women stating it decreases their post natal depression (Please note though that no formal studies have been done as yet) but definitely something to discuss with your Midwife or Obstetrician!
- You will go back for more babies – You will!! Whether you have a vaginal or caesarian birth. we all at one point SCREAM (like me) or in our heads that ‘I am never doing this ever again…’ – you see us females are a funny breed.. We are really good at saying one thing and doing another. Either way. discomfort is temporary but your love that you feel for your babies is forever – Didn’t you know 3 is the new 4?
- Breastfeeding – Firstly, even the world’s best breast feeders (if there is ever such a thing) and the babies with the world’s best attachment (if there is ever such a thing) will give you tender nips. That is the truth! BUT it does get better! Each and every day it absolutely does. Secondly, I tell my patients this will be one of the hardest thing you will ever do. It certainly doesn’t come ‘naturally’ to everybody & that is fine! You know what else is fine? If you don’t or are unable to breastfeed. We do wish for you too for the beautiful benefits for you and baby (let’s be real) BUT we would NEVER judge for not. We are all women – More support less judgey wudgey wankers thanks!
- Haemorrhoids – JOY!!! So Tabboo! I bet your Midwife or Ob didn’t tell you how nasty these critters could be? WELL I am telling you first hand, Midwife & Mum of 2 – they are yuk, painful, ugly and fugly. Analgesia, Cushions, Stool softeners and ice will be your best friend when dealing with these. The good news is – they will go!!! And if they outstay their welcome see your GP!
- Swelling – Down there & everywhere is real!!! Vjj or C/S you will be swollen post birth!! Listen to your midwife when she suggests a gentle stroll around the ward followed by resting in bed with your legs elevated is key to decreasing it.. For your VJJ – ICE ICE BABY! For your Legs & Feet? Get moving GF!
- The damn Baby Blues – The crazy hormonal tears! The tears that don’t even know why the are running down your cheek! The tears that seem to disappear with a hot cuppa and chat from your Midwife. Ahhhhh!! The baby blues can strike anytime from a few days to a week or two post birth!! They are normal and at the time make you feel like a blubbering mess. Not everyone gets them but most do!! I cried in the shower for an hour my first night at home. I was tired, overwhelmed, overjoyed and hormonal as hell.. I didn’t know why I was crying but after that hour I felt good and back to myself.. weird hey!! What isn’t normal is if you are crying ALL the time or feeling sad or flat and you don’t know why! PLEASE do not be ashamed and talk to you midwife, doctor, partner, friend, mum, sister. anyone!! It is super important to ensure you are 100% healthy both mentally and physically post partum.
- WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!!! Ahhhhhhhh the BEST part of my job. Seeing you give birth and become a mother for the first or tenth time. We as Midwives are proud. Not one birth is the same as another.. Vaginal birth, Caesar birth. Birth is Birth and YOU Mumma are SO clever and forever strong!!! THANKYOU for allowing me. For allowing US to be apart of your journey into motherhood.. You are amazing full stop!