So you’ve been pregnant for nine whole months! You’ve endured the sickness, the tiredness, the aches and pains, not to mention the uncontrollable flatulence (insert childish giggle). So you can imagine the sigh of relief when yo finally give birth and say goodbye to all those pesky ‘pregnancy side-effect’ – right?! WRONG!! Cause apparently jokes on us and our bodies think it’s funny as fuck to torture us just a little bit long!!
1: You’ll bleed like a MOFO!
Post-partum bleeding is literally the worst. It’s like surfing a serious tsunami of a crimson waves that you’ll need a massive surfboard in your granny panties to deal with, for about the next two months!
2: You’ll look like the Michelin man!
If you thought you had fluid retention bad during pregnancy, wait until after you’ve had the baby. I don’t think this is the case for everyone, but certainly was for me. Most of my stretch marks actually came from the post-partum swelling. The fluid sticks around for a little while too, and you’ll still look 6 months pregnant with cankles for a while!
3: You’ll be sweatier than a Gypsy with a mortgage!
So those night sweats during pregnancy got nothing on the on the post baby sweats! Apparently in order for the said fluid above to escape you gotta sleep in a puddle of your own stinky and sticky sweat, mmmmmm LOVELY! Best to sleep on a towel!
4: You’ll smell like spoilt meat!
This is gonna be really awkward if it’s just me! But I honestly feel like no amount of B-O Basher can protect me from the pungent aroma seeping from my armpits, that smell like a packet of ham left on the front seat of the car on a summers day (or it could be the crusty breast milk that leaked under my boobs).
But I’m guessing it all obviously a stems on from the above two problems – and it’s literally THE PITS!
5: You’ll sport a Donald Trump-esque comb over!
This one can eat a big fat donkey doodle in my opinion! Having not even really been blessed with the lush long and thickened hair this pregnancy, you can imagine my absolute disgust at the clumps of hair I find clogging my shower daily.
My receding hairline is rivalling my husbands, and I’ve seriously been Googling some wig options it’s that bad!
I can handle the stretch marks and saggy tits but this is too much ? this is literally just from running my hands through my hair while washing it!!! This happens daily and is getting worse ? I can’t remember it being this bad with Belle, at this rate I’ll be needing a wig by next week ?? post baby hair loss can eat a big fat donkey dick, IM OVER IT ??
6: You’ll be a Sasquatch!
Bigfoot does exist people, I HAVE PROOF! For 23 years of my life I wore a size 8 shoe! Guaranteed I could buy any shoe, any brand and I was an 8. Post baby? Yup, size 9 betchessss! And it doesn’t just subside after having the baby, I have permanently grown a foot size since having kids.
So there we have it, all the post baby glory!